My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
