After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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