I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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