Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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