I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
