she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
