Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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