Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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