: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
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No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
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I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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