I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
