If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
