FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
