I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
God, I missed his penis.
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