Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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