Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
