A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
