Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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