I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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