He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We need to rekindle our bromance
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
