I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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