Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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