Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
