I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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