The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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