And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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