I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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