yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
