she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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