If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
