Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
