i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
