Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
