ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
