You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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