I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
