there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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