I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
