My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
