My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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