Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
