you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
