Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
