We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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