I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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