Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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