im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
