I need help removing her.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
