Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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