i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
