i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
