why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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