I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
