I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
No I am not eating basil off your cock
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
