I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
