Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sponge bath it is.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
time to smoke my breakfast
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
