I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
