when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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