youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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