My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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