I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
